Mala Pelicula

Going to see a movie in a theatre is generally a pleasurable experience. Sticky floors, stale popcorn, sitting in the darkness with strangers, enjoying a piece of art. It's great, I love it, it really is the only way to properly enjoy a film.

But.. things can go wrong. Horribly wrong. Last night was one such experience and it was dreadful.

I have not seen The Third Man, an excellent movie from the late 40's and a wickedly good Graham Greene story, in a long time, so I was excited to see it was screening in the neighbourhood. I invited a buddy of mine to come to, as he enjoys cinema as well.

In retrospect, my adulation that the theatre was showing such a classic was a mistake, I got my hopes up pretty high. But, hey, what could go wrong? Go to theatre, buy ticket, watch movie, enjoy immensely and book it. Simple.

But, alas, it was not meant to be, for it was organized by some literary club or some shit, and they had a guest speaker before the screening. The speaker blathered on and on vaguely about what the movie meant to him and actually admitted that he had not and would not read the Graham Greene story, I guess for fear that the book is better than the movie, which it is. Don't get me wrong, both are fuckin' fantastic, but the book is by far a better piece of art when it comes down to brass tax.

Anyway, so its organized by a book club, yet he had not read the book. Red flag! And why would you admit to that? He could have just lied and said he read it, and move on. But no, he was almost proud that he had not read the book, as if the book was dung because it requires actual thought and imagination. Shit, it's a novella and pretty straightforward, it's not goddamn War and Peace we're talking about here.

My god, never, ever have a person speak about a film BEFORE the movie has been presented, it's rude and ignorant towards the people who have not seen it. Present the movie and discuss afterwards!

So, he finally shut the hell up and the movie starts. From the sound of it, there was a wild, syphilitic baboon behind us, literally sucking back snacks at an alarming rate and struggling to breathe.  Night keeps getting better and better.

I ignored him..well, not entirely, but eventually the primate got bored and wandered off into the concrete wilderness, possibly distracted by something shiny or a guava fruit nearby.

Right after the halfway point in the flick, the film locks up. Digital is better, my ass. Oddly, it jammed right before a big scene in the film.. almost as if someone had skipped the entire film and repeatedly gone to that point, causing a scratch or something on the DVD. Yeah, guys.. turns out, we were watching a DVD in a movie theatre..

By this point, I was getting pretty pissed off. The movie locked up, then the screen went to black. A minute later, movie back, but it skipped ahead at least by a chapter. As I hadn't seen the movie in quite a while, it took me a few minutes to catch that we missed a good 10 minutes of the movie.

So, someone comes in, and announces that we missed "an important scene" in the movie, so we're going back, gonna rewind. An important scene? No, no, we missed a part of the movie integral to the story.  As if there are parts of the movie that just aren't important? "Ahh, just skip the first half..cuz there's a scene in the last part that has a dude getting his brains punched out!" Bullshit!

Oh, I was absolutely livid by this point and we immediately left. As I've never walked out of a movie before (lame point of pride there!) I was tempted to ask for a refund, but I didn't want to make a scene and the theatre is independent and a part of the local community.

It's fun to go see movies with friends, as you can talk about your fav scenes and funny moments, random things that you noticed; the way she brushed her hair from her forehead, a devious grin from the villain, the charred, bombed out Vienna landscape.

But we were robbed of this, as we spent the rest of the night pretty steamed that we'd just payed $13 to see an asshole talk.. eh, actually, if someone could talk with their asshole, i'd pay $13 to see that..we'd just payed $13 to see a jerk talk about a great movie and then the movie crashes halfway through. Royal piss off!

Wow, OK, still pretty angry about that. Gotta cool down!

The 2nd worst movie experience happened quite a few years ago, and was equally, if not a bit greater, a terrible ordeal.

I went to see No Country for Old Men with my now ex-girlfriend at some huge cineplex. Again, pretty jacked to see it, loved the book, it was gritty and mean and just perfect in the hands of the usually dour Coen Brothers.

So we get there a bit early, play the lame trivia game, watch the trailer for a fascinating Adam Sandler documentary called Jack & Jill, and finally the movies starts aaaand..

The film burns before the credits even appear. Now I thought this was an old-timey stereotype, something just used for effect, or something that only happened to, like, mis-printed film. But it's true, the film caught fire, and smelled like burnt hair in the theatre. Awesome sauce, great start. Also, I did not know that film was made from human hair. Neat-o.

So we sit there in the dark, wondering what's going on, 10 full minutes go by before an usher comes in and announces that the film will restart in a minute or two.

Some jackass behind me shouts "give us something something free tickets, popcorn" whatever, i can't remember, and the usher looks directly at me and points and says, he says:

"If you've got something to say, we can step outside.."

What the fuck, guy? I've never been a violent person, but when someone says "step outside" in that manner, it means fisticuffs, no other meaning behind that. Also, pointing is downright rude, dude. And I didn't do anything to deserve a challenge.

I'm there with my lady, so I get a bit uppity, pride being on the line, and I says "What do you mean by that?", rising from my seat, but the usher is already walking out to the lobby.

My lady friend tells me to let it go and shut up. I let it go, keep it cool, as per the usual. Bit shaky, angry, but kind of more pumped to see the movie.

Movie starts back up again, fresh cartridge. Half hour in, the elderly couple behind us begin..to..talk. Asking questions, who's that, what's going on, he looks like Larry, you know, Bill's friend.. what? No, Bill! From the hall Bill..shut the fuck up, Donny, I swear to god, I would have bovine bolt-gunned both of those grandparents on the spot..

Jesus, I'm so enraged by this point, I just gotta get out of there, but my lame GF says we're staying, we paid, we're staying. Baloney, I say! But I shut up and made it through to the end, somehow. I don't even remember the movie, I was so pissed. Although the angry sex afterwards was quite enjoyable!

I went to see the movie properly a few weeks later.

Common thread? Both great movies based on great books. Maybe I should avoid those for a while.. ?