Modesty Contest

Lew and Billy were bored. It was the end of summer and they were bored out of their skulls. It was all slipping away; they'd already been chased by cops through Highland Park, set trashcans on fire over in the Tri-Cap, destroyed a gazebo with hatchets during a terrifying mushroom trip, crashed Ronnie's shit-box Camaro into a tree outside Loba City, and beat up their good friend Victor at least three times. They were drinking cans of cheap beer and smoking on a stoop near 5th & Old Grand Ave, it was hot, not that kind of cook-a-egg-sidewalk situation, but just that foggy, smuggy steam-box kind of heat. Cars shuffled past in the afternoon haze. "Man, whatcha wanna do? Ain't nothing going on, this sucks." Billy said, taking a slug from his oversized beer can. "Head over to Loba, see what Tony's saying? Shoot some pool. Maybe check out Tasha, if she's around." Lew said. "How we supposed to get there? No wheels, man. Not gonna t...

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THUMBNICKEL Franz Xaver von Schönwerth  1850's - Rural Germany A couple living in the country longed to have a child.  One day, they cried out in desperation: "We want a child, even if it's no bigger than a thumb!" And a son was born to them. He was exactly the size of a thumb, and never grew any bigger. He was named Nicholas but called Thumbnickel.  The farmer carried his son around on the brim of his hat. When he plowed the fields, he would put the little rascal into the ear of one of the oxen, where the boy could sing and dance to his heart's content.  One day, a merchant drove by and saw Thumbnickel in the ear of the ox. He turned and asked if he could buy the boy. The farmer was not interested in a deal, but the boy whispered in his ear, urging him to accept.  The merchant climbed back in with the little fellow. The farmer started running behind. Soon while the merchant was dozing off, Thumbnickel climbed through a keyho...

1 1/18 cups moldy humus  1 cup Ox milk (do not use low-fat or nonfat, gross!) Pinch of parmesan cheese 18 shots of French absinthe 1 cup fresh dandruff 1/3 cup hate (or fear, both work) 3 large wasp eggs 2 large Vermillion tiger placentas 8 packets of sugar from an all-night El Paso diner 2 Chesterfield cigarettes  Preheat oven to 750f. If your oven doesn't go this high, you're an amateur, just quit already and call your local flan delivery service (available in most metropolitan cities).  Combine the humus and Ox milk in a flannel Derby hat, plaid works best. Place hat in nearest public bathroom and let sit for 10min.  While waiting for the oven to heat, snort the pinch of parmesan cheese.  Retrieve the hat and evenly mix in the wasp eggs and hate. Place the mix on low heat in large saucepan for 20min.  Mash the placentas in a cauldron previously used as a set piece in the Vincent Price movie, The Haunted Mansion .  In rapi...