Dog Days

Lew and Billy were bored.

It was the end of summer and they were bored out of their skulls. It was all slipping away; they'd already been chased by cops through Highland Park, set trashcans on fire over in the Tri-Cap, destroyed a gazebo with hatchets during a terrifying mushroom trip, crashed Ronnie's shit-box Camaro into a tree outside Loba City, and beat up their good friend Victor at least three times.

They were drinking cans of cheap beer and smoking on a stoop near 5th & Old Grand Ave, it was hot, not that kind of cook-a-egg-sidewalk situation, but just that foggy, smuggy steam-box kind of heat. Cars shuffled past in the afternoon haze.

"Man, whatcha wanna do? Ain't nothing going on, this sucks." Billy said, taking a slug from his oversized beer can.

"Head over to Loba, see what Tony's saying? Shoot some pool. Maybe check out Tasha, if she's around." Lew said.

"How we supposed to get there? No wheels, man. Not gonna take no bus there."

Lew closed his eyes, sweating. A kid rolled up on a little BMX, squeaking his bike horn and hollering.

"Hey, hey! Mister....mister! Gimme a buck for ice cream. A buck! Mister!!" he yelled.

"Nah, man, I'm busted, broke. Nope, can't help you." Billy said, eyes closed, brushing him off.

The kid's lip curled in disgust and he tore off on his bike in the opposite direction.

"That was cold, not even a buck for that kid? C'mon, man." Lew said, looking up and down the block.

"Whatever, urchins, man. I read that Oliver Twist shit, I know they're all thievin'." Billy said, yawning.

"Hah, bet you didn't even make it a quarter of the way through that "shit", bro."

Just then, there was a ringing off in the distance. A twinkling, shiny inane melody that bounced off the buildings, reverberating out into nothing.

The ice cream truck was coming.

The joyful cries of the children followed soon after, trailing behind the truck, braying for sweet sugar.

As the truck pulled up in front of the abandoned Grand Hotel, Lew's eyes widened as the idea expanded in his mind.

"You thinking what I'm thinking, B?"

The children hollered and screamed for their frozen sugar treats, waiving dollar bills, handfuls of dirty change, the sun piercing through the low clouds.

"Those kids are gonna get diabetes, eating all that sugar?", Billy muttered, taking a swig from his warm beer.

"C'mon, man, no... the truck! Let's take the truck over to Loba."

As the mob of kids dissipated from around the truck, Billy and Lew tossed their beers in the gutter and approached.

"What can I get you, boys?"said Tad, the ice cream truck driver.

"Gotta borrow the truck for a few hours, Tad." said Billy.

Tad blinked and paused, rubbing chocolate sauce off his hands with a dirty rag.

"...what?"

Lew lifted his shirt slightly, the nickel plated .38 catching the dying rays of sunlight.

"Gotta borrow the truck, Tad." Lew said.

"C'mon, Lewis, we came up together, man.. fuck, man! I need this job, boss'll kill me!"

"Hell, don't you worry about your boss or Lew here, I'll kill you." Lew said, patting the gun stuck in his stained blue track pants.

"Cold, man... ice cold!" Tad said.

"Man, you don't shut up, I'll leave you cold." Billy said, stepping towards the truck menacingly. 

Tad fidgeted, sighed deeply and slowly got out of the truck.

"Cash?" Lewis said, stepping up to Tad by the side of the truck.

"Fuck, bro, Jesu--" Tad exclaimed.

Lew sucker-punched Tad hard in the jaw, sending him sprawling out across the dirty sidewalk.

The kid on the BMX rolled up, eyes wide, took one look at Tad unconscious on the filthy ground and sped off, yelling.

"Yeah, high time to head out!" Billy said, pulling Tad's body across to the foot of the stoop and propping an empty beer can up next to him.

Lew hopped in the oversized driver's seat and gunned the weak engine as Billy jumped into the passenger seat, rolling and bumping off toward the I-85 freeway.

"Oh, shit, you wanna take the highway? I dunno if this thing'll handle it, man." Billy said.

"Eh, why not?" Lew said, "Check the back, see what cash is around, we're gonna need spending money."

Billy went into the back area of the truck, a box of cones already smashed on the floor of the bouncing truck. Lew took a corner quick and tight, sending Billy smashing into the slide window and spilling chocolate sauce all over the counter.

"Shit, man, take it easy, Christ!" Billy yelled.

As Billy pulled himself up, he spied the grey steel cash tray bolted to the underside of the counter. As he yanked the tray open, he noticed the brown handle beside the tray.

"The hell is this..." Billy said, pulling the handle. Out from a velcro holster came a sawed-off shotgun.

"Woah, Tad the ice cream man, packing major heat! Loaded for bear. Wonder why he didn't use it." Billy said, opening the gun, seeing it was loaded.

Lew merged into traffic on the highway, checking his mirrors. Billy flopped down into the passenger seat with the tray and gun in hand.

"$115 and a goddamn pea-shooter! Check this shit out, Lew." Billy said, pointing the gun in Lew's face.

"Get that outta my face, asshole!" Lew shouted, pushing the gun away.

"Ahh, lighten up, bro!" Billy said, thumbing back the hammer on the shotgun with one hand, rolling down the dirty window with the other. "Let's see if this puppy even works."

"Not in the tru--" Lew screamed.

The loud boom ripped through the truck, shattering the driver's side and rear slide windows. Lew began to swerve and lose control of the truck as acrid smoke and broken glass flew through the front of the cab. A high pitched buzz filled both their ears.

Lew skidded to the side of the highway, screaming yet unable to hear a damn thing. He grabbed the shotgun from Billy and open palm slapped him a few times in the face. Billy was delighted, though and was laughing. They piled out of the driver's side, Lew slapping Billy as they tumbled through the grass beside the now busy highway. Rush hour was beginning as the sun hung low.

Lew and Billy, both still deaf, sat by the road. Billy wiped some blood away from one ear, not laughing anymore. The buzzing in their ears began to clear, but was still painful. Lew's head was pounding, he could hear his heart beating and the occasional woosh of passing cars.

Muttering, Lew pulled a tiny joint from his mangled pack of Newports and lit it, lying back on the trash strewn grass of the side of I-85. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, sunlight warming his face.

The dry weed burned quickly, Lew passed the remaining half to Billy who was sitting crossed-legged in the grass, watching the cars pass by. He smoked the remainder quickly in two long puffs and ate the roach as Lew pointed to his watch and made a circular motion with his finger. 

It was time to get back on the road.

They piled back into the truck, both very high and feeling better yet still partially deaf.

As Lew reached to turn the key, he glanced in the now cracked driver's side mirror.

A highway patrol car, lights flashing, was slowly pulling up behind the ice cream truck.

Lew whistled at Billy and motioned to the mirror.

Billy clenched up at the sight of the cop car and went stiff. Billy was terrified of cops after they had beat him up outside of Old Danno's Bar a few years ago. "I'll never drink with cops again, they can't take a fuckin joke!" he'd often say.  

Lew put his hand on Billy's knee and softly told him to relax as the trooper approached the side of the truck.

The trooper grew larger in Lew's mirror. 

Jesus, he must be seven feet tall, thought Lew, his eyes widening. 

"Hey there, fellas, what seems to be the problem here?" the trooper said, removing his sunglasses to reveal a huge scar across his face. 

"Ahh, officer, hello! We're just having some engine problems, the rad always overheats on days like this, y'know? Piece of shit."

"You know you can't just park here on the side of the highway, right?" the trooper said, peeking into the truck's cab. 

"Usually just a few minutes for the rad to cool off and we'll be right on our way." 

"Evening route?" the trooper said, looking out across the highway. 

"What's that now, sorry?"

"Your route, the ice cream, trying to spoil local kids dinner, right?" 

"Ohh yeah, you know it! The brats love the stuff."

"Mmm-hmm. Hey, don't you guys operate alone? Who's your friend?" the trooper motioned to Billy, who was now sweating. 

"Oh, this is my cousin, Charlie, he just needed a ride over to Sharpesville."

The trooper looked Billy up and down and squinted. 

"I'm gonna...need to see some ID, gentlemen. And insurance."

"Oh, officer, we really should be getting going, I think we've waited long enough to start this old bitch up again. And Charlie here has a dental appointment to get to, y'know, he's got a dang sweet tooth!" Lew said, stammering a bit. 

"Don't we all, don't we all," the trooper said, smiling, showing a perfect set of brilliant white veneered teeth "Speaking of, y'all got those Fudge-O-Cones back there?"

"I think so! I'll just go and ch--"

The trooper took a quick instinctive step back from the truck. 

"You stay where you are now, son, get your cousin there to grab a few for me."

Lew gestured to Billy who slowly moved to the back of the van. He began rummaging through the flat top freezer. 

"I think we might be out of those!" Billy yelped. 

The trooper looked annoyed and wiped sweat from his brow with his massive hand, flicking the moisture onto the blacktop. 

Lew looked over his shoulder at Billy and shook his head. 

"Yeahh, gonna have to write you guys a ticket here." the trooper grumbled. 

"Wait, wait, wait, sir, please, my manager will kill me if I get another ticket, please!" Lew cried out. "Charlie, make this man something special, will ya? You know how to operate the machine there, I showed you last week, c'mon! Make it special and make it...snappy."

"Snappy" was Lew and Billy's code word for MDMA. Lew knew Billy had a few tabs on him at all times, strictly for emergency purposes. 

"Oh yes, I'll make a Fudge-O-Cone milkshake, we have all the stuff, the ingredients here!" Billy exclaimed, happily and climbed into the back of the truck. 

The trooper grumbled and looked at his watch, the sun beating down on him.

Billy hastily made the milkshake, it was mostly mashed up ice cream cone, peanuts and vanilla soft serve with fake fudge sauce. He carefully popped open the molly pill and dumped it into the cup. 

"Here we go, sorry for the wait, officer. This heat is something else!"

The trooper squinted at Billy suspiciously then looked back at Lew, fidgeting in the driver's seat. He lifted the cup to his lips and took a long slurp. 

"Well I'll be goddamned if that ain't about the best milkshake I've ever had." 

"No problem at all, sir, please enjoy," Lew said, smiling and nodding. "On the house, of course."

"Of course." the trooper said. "Alright, you boys be on your way now." the trooper said and turned to walk back towards his car. 

Lew drummed his fingers on the old steering wheel nervously and watched the cop get back into his car. Billy chuckled softly in the back of the van. 

"Jesus Christ, I swore he saw the broken glass on the floor, I thought we were straight up fucked!" Lew said. 

 "Did you see that dumb motherfucker's teeth? Fake ass Hollywood bullshit, where'd he get those?"

"Maybe his co-workers stomped him for being a fuckin bitch snitch, who knows, fuck 'em," Lew said and started the truck. 

The cop pulled around them and nodded to them as he passed. 

"Hehee, bye, fucker, enjoy the trip!" Billy said, gleefully, his eyes shining."Although it does seems like a waste of drugs."

"Whatever, Billy, you didn't pay for those anyway, you sneaky devil, stealing from your uncle's stash. That's family, man." 

"Whatever, I grabbed three tabs for us, so that means we got twoooo left, my brother! Now THAT is family, man."

They both laughed and Lew pulled the truck into the highway traffic.

The truck started to buckle and heave a bit as they exited the highway just outside Loba City. 

Maybe this thing actually does have radiator issues, thought Lew, smiling.