Portrait of the Artist as a Young Flan

1 1/18 cups moldy humus 
1 cup Ox milk (do not use low-fat or nonfat, gross!)
Pinch of parmesan cheese
18 shots of French absinthe
1 cup fresh dandruff
1/3 cup hate (or fear, both work)
3 large wasp eggs
2 large Vermillion tiger placentas
8 packets of sugar from an all-night El Paso diner
2 Chesterfield cigarettes 

Preheat oven to 750f. If your oven doesn't go this high, you're an amateur, just quit already and call your local flan delivery service (available in most metropolitan cities). 

Combine the humus and Ox milk in a flannel Derby hat, plaid works best. Place hat in nearest public bathroom and let sit for 10min. 

While waiting for the oven to heat, snort the pinch of parmesan cheese. 

Retrieve the hat and evenly mix in the wasp eggs and hate. Place the mix on low heat in large saucepan for 20min. 

Mash the placentas in a cauldron previously used as a set piece in the Vincent Price movie, The Haunted Mansion. 

In rapid succession take six shots of the absinthe; contemplate life and it's complete meaninglessness. If you're having trouble, think of a Werner Herzog quote. 

Read aloud the last part of Corinthians in a funny Swedish accent. 

In your absinthe daze, you forgot about the mix on the stove and it burned. Start the recipe over. 

On a large flat rock, individually smash the packets of sugar with a mallet while singing frere jacques. 

Steal a pie pan from your neighbour. Add a dusting of dandruff to the bottom of the pan and empty the contents of the saucepan into the pan. 

Place pan on top rack in the oven. Accidentally burn your hand on the rack and curse like a sailor ("goddamn fo'c'sle boyo", "fuck jib octaroon" and "Lardy Margaret's poop deck" are good examples. For more examples, read a book!).

Stare intently through the glass at your creation as it cooks. Watch as your dish bubbles and mutates; it may or may not develop antennae and an eyeball or two. At this point, you are a God. 

After 22 1/2 min, remove the pan from the oven. If you forgot to use your oven mitt, repeat sailor-type swearing as noted above. 

Place pan to cool on top of one of those black-face jockeys you see on old people's lawns. Take remaining dandruff and sprinkle it evenly over the top of the cooling flan.

Smoke one Chesterfield. Cough profusely. Throw other Chesterfield away, yuck. 

Call multiple friends. Explain that you have won the lottery and are throwing an epic cocaine party. When friends arrive, turn off lights and pretend you are not home. Ignore subsequent text messages. 

After flan has fully cooled, promptly transport flan to Chicopee, NY. Feel immediate regret over this decision. Batavia would have been a far wiser choice. 

Your flan may become sentient and try to escape. Corral it, serve and enjoy!