Mascot Roundup

Did you know the very first mascot was an elephant?

It's true. Billy the Elephant was the widely beloved mascot for the St. Louis Bombers, a minor league badminton club in the early 1900's. People young and old respected and admired Billy for the good luck and enthusiasm he brought to the team and the entire city of old St. Louis.

Then, tragedy struck. After a particularly painful loss to their arch-rivals, the Cleveland Dandies, Billy went mad, killing 4 men and badly mauling a priest.

The authorities were unsure what to do with Billy, so, in the tradition of capitalism, they sold him for $18 to Thomas Edison, who was experimenting with electricity at the time. He then discovered that, yes, electricity would in fact kill a man dressed in a elephant costume.

After the disaster, The Bombers replaced Billy with Arthur the Penguin. Surely a harmless penguin would not mutilate the fans, right?

Wrong. So wrong. Not long after assuming his position, Arthur stabbed an officiator and attempted to devour a small child. Like Billy before him, off to Edison he went, this time for $9 (Edison was a notorious cheapskate).

 And so the great standard was set, of forcing people to dress in ridiculous outfits and promote various things under the threat of electrocution..




Wow. So Rob Ford now has his own mascot, who apparently loves cake.

Rofo jokes aside,  apparently "King Cake" is a very popular treat around the Mardi Gras time of year in New Orleans.

A small plastic baby (a.k.a. choking hazard) is baked into each cake. And now, after fans railed against the mediocre pelican mascot (not even worth the time spent to upload a pic) of the New Orleans Pelicans, a professional water polo team, we have the terrifying Baby King Cake.

Kneel before him, peasants! Thou shalt pay $9 for a watery beer and subpar sports entertainment!

Humans first successfully bred a mascot in 2014. 

The origin of the lemon is still a mystery, but many believe they were quite similar to humans thousands of years ago. Lacking a skeleton and prone to often squishing each other, they devolved into one of earth's laziest fruits. 

Rather than roaming the earth, they escaped to a more complacent, comfortable life in the trees. Damn freeloaders, soaking up all that sunshine, laughing at us.. 

Dr. Helmut A. VonDonaudampfschiffahrtsgesellschaftskapitän toiled for years trying to discover the secrets of this yellow, lackadaisical fruit. 

One day, after spraying mice with the citric juice of the lemon over a period of weeks, he noticed the females were dropping dead. After dissection, he discover the mice each contained a small round headed fetus that had caused an internal haemorrhage, killing them. 

"Mein gott!", exclaimed the doctor in one of the only German phrases I know, "Ze mice ah prohdoocing habrid limon mise ba-bees!"

And so the good doctor began experimenting with human semen, lemon au jus, and, naturally, prostitutes. 

After many failures and horrific deaths, Helmut produced.. 

Helmut named him Karl VonZitrone and attempted to educate and raise the mutant child. But Karl was confused and torn between his dual genetic code, his base identity as both a lemon and a human. The internal war had begun and only increased as he neared puberty. 

Helmut kept him in isolation, but eventually he escaped one night after hearing the siren call of the lemons. He discovered the Doctor's lemon field, filled with trees all sagging with the smiling fruit. 

They whispered and laughed at him, accusing him of being a race traitor and an abomination in both the kingdom of lemon and men. "Freak! Freak!" they cried. Much like his mascot forefathers, Karl flew into a blind rage and eviscerated his cruel master, his tormentor, his creator.  

He soon fled Hamburg, Germany and moved to Chicago. He now works for the Ferrara Candy Company as the promotional mascot for their sweet hard candy, Lemonheads. He enjoys hockey games, the music of Bryan Adams and water polo. His head is naturally quite buoyant.  

I won't go into details regarding the new mascot for McDonalds; the details are far too horrific to go into. 

*REDACTED* Chicken Inn *REDACTED* 1925 to the late 1950's in the Salt Lake City area *REDACTED* *REDACTED*

Commander Ray. Looks like a decent guy, right? Wrong. He beat his wife and children and was a notorious homophobe. Oh, and he sold the most Chevys in the tristate area, 1958-1961. Not much more to that story. 

There are so many things wrong with this picture, proportionally. 

Look into the abyss. And the abyss looks into you. Are you the mascot.. or is the mascot you?