Modesty Contest

1 1/18 cups moldy humus  1 cup Ox milk (do not use low-fat or nonfat, gross!) Pinch of parmesan cheese 18 shots of French absinthe 1 cup fresh dandruff 1/3 cup hate (or fear, both work) 3 large wasp eggs 2 large Vermillion tiger placentas 8 packets of sugar from an all-night El Paso diner 2 Chesterfield cigarettes  Preheat oven to 750f. If your oven doesn't go this high, you're an amateur, just quit already and call your local flan delivery service (available in most metropolitan cities).  Combine the humus and Ox milk in a flannel Derby hat, plaid works best. Place hat in nearest public bathroom and let sit for 10min.  While waiting for the oven to heat, snort the pinch of parmesan cheese.  Retrieve the hat and evenly mix in the wasp eggs and hate. Place the mix on low heat in large saucepan for 20min.  Mash the placentas in a cauldron previously used as a set piece in the Vincent Price movie, The Haunted Mansion .  In rapi...

THE OTHER SON (draft) It was no ordinary birth.  Twins were highly uncommon at the time, generally resulting in death for both mother and progeny.  The holy men said it was a twin virgin birth, truly a blessing, a gift from God above.  Many discussions were had; they quickly agreed that only one child could truly be chosen, so one was sent away to live in isolation with the shepherds. Abiah never knew his origins as a child; he never questioned his keeper Sardis over this.  Sardis taught him the way of the sheep. The grazing, shearing of wool, the gentleness that the sheep's eye reflected back.  “Of all of God's creatures, Abiah, the sheep is best. It is generous to man both with fleece and with flesh,” Sardis would often remark. “But, like man with God, they require the guiding care of the shepherd” Sardis would write small poems and recite them daily to Abiah. “The Shepherd loved His little lamb, And gave it His tender care... And follow...

Speculators, di-vide! Under flags of earthly intoxication and blasphemy, we pursue the everlasting heights, spiteful of all false gods and forefathers. The Holy Church of the Divide welcomes all to the fold of confusion and constant questions. Do not feel obliged to agree with what you have learned through your life or what you may or may not learn here. To question is to Divide. Many books hold answers, but what are the questions? Why are we here. Is there a point in living. Do we even need a purpose or is the pursuit of purpose actually life? The purpose is the Divide; the division between us, man and woman, adult and child, human and beast. Every entity is different, scientifically and spiritually, hence the Divide. Yet no one person can define life. What makes us similar also shows the disparity between all things. To agree or disagree, caring not for troubles and tri-bu-la-tions; it is a paradox, ultimately and indefinitely definitive. If the purpose of many religions is t...

Heyyy-yo, it's time for more random music time fun times. Fall is here, so why not kick loose..  Holy shit, this band Fuzz is total awesome sauce. Heavy as hell psych-garage rock, it's amaaaaazing and trippy and just so much fun. I gush over this record. I've liked this band for a while, the French duo The Dø. This is a bit more electronic than their earlier stuff, but it's quite jolly and has a great church organ, chanty, Kate Bush-esque pop thing going on. Excellent on a nice pair of headphones. Not much to say about this, other than it is amazing. But how modern is modern?       Speaking of amazing, Bahamas is great new stuff. This is a great, chill song, nice for a patio or a hammock where a squirrel hits you in the balls with a walnut last Saturday. Spooky, hard boiled stuff from Canada's own Timber Timbre. These guys do some many murder ballads, they should be arrested..for murder? Great...

Police! Being a cop must be a stressful, shitty job. If movies & TV have taught us nothing, copper's lives are filled with PTSD, drugs, anger, insecurity and the like. But it's no excuse for acting like a reckless asshole with a gun, right? Hells no, it's the Police Round-up Time Fun Hour, gang! Your man Prawo Jazdy is a slippery fellow.  He's wanted for 50 different driving offences all over Ireland.  Now, Prawo was clever because every time they booked him, his driving licence had a different address.  All the cops in Ireland had a different theory about how this 'Scarlet Pimpernel' escaped the clutches of the law. Finally, the penny dropped;  Prawo Jardy is not a Hungarian name, but the Polish words for "Driving Licence". The coppers had caught 53 different Polish drivers, but thought they were dealing with the same man. Naturally, the Polish community in Ireland had a good laugh about Mr. Prawo Jazdy. In Louisiana, a yo...

The warm sun shines through hair no one wants to touch for fear of damage Fragile but determined movement a place to find happenstance yet predestined Leaves and grass traversed touring but no recall fated predisposition driving on Where is the desination is this the spot the place to make the adjustment The rush of air Shadowed wings beating flash a faunistic game Does the butterfly remember being the caterpillar?

Since the dawn of Man, we have been seeking a way to acceptably urinate in public.. That day has come, with the introduction of the most revolutionary, repulsionary interactive world of WHIZZ CITY™ Like most great ideas, the concept was spawned after a night of drinking spirits with friends. Merriment was had, shots were ingested, bladders were inflated. As we hopped between bars, an idea was posed for a video game in which the goal was to publicly micturate without getting caught. Naughty! Here's what we have compiled so far: As one of three choosable character, you start off in small-time Tinkle Town, move your way to the suburbs of Lavatoria and finally break bad in Whizz City! Hit up a Filling Station, i.e. bar, cafe or club to max out your Bladd-O-Meter™ (patent pending), then explore the region's parks, streets, back-alleys, beaches, markets and more! Each level will have a time limit and if you don't fully relieve yourself before the clock runs out....